Traffic traffic looking for my Chapstick

I would like to start off by saying that road rage should be considered a serious mental health concern and there should be legitimate treatments and medicine for me people to take – I, personally, have tried breathing techniques, plastering a fake smile to my face while I drive and especially after some jackass cuts me off, trying to “brush it off” and telling myself “it’s not a big deal” and, honestly, I can say absolutely nothing works! I don’t care if it isn’t socially acceptable for me to freak the fuck out when I’m driving, I cannot help it!!!!


From people that intentionally drive like they’re competing for “The World’s Biggest Jackass” to those that have no clue what they’re doing but they continue to do it, there is rarely a time when I make a trip from point A to point
B without having at least a small urge to murder somebody.

On that note- Here is a list of the types of drivers and the things they do that I lose my absolute shit over (and clever names that I came up with cause I’m so goddamn clever):

  1. Slow drivers: not weather or traffic related, just regular people who want to drive 10 miles below the speed limit and make every turn that you need to make directly in front of you on a one-lane road for like 12 miles of misery!
  2. Middle of the street stoppers: people who stop in the middle of the street or intersection or are otherwise lost and decide that instead of pulling over like a normal human to figure their shit out, they’re just going to stop right the fuck in front of you…at a green light…as it turns yellow…and then red…and they get to go through it while you’re stuck waiting a whole cycle of lights for it to turn green and you’re yelling from your car like they’re somehow going to hear you as they drive away (probably to get lost again)
  3. “What’s a blinker” drivers: People who are turning from the street into a store/restaurant/whatever and don’t put their goddamn blinker on but are just slowing down at a rapid pace (for no apparent reason) and pissing me off
  4. Assholes: People who cut you off (under any circumstances, even if you are being a slow driver – refer to #1)
  5. Bigger Assholes: People who cut you off then drive slow as shit in front of you
  6. “I own the road” Assholes:People who flash their high beams at you because you got into ‘their’ lane (oh shit I’m sorry I didn’t realize you own part of the highway, if I owned this lane I would just get a chauffeur to drive my ass around, you must be so rich, my complete apologies sir/ma’am)
  7. The Biggest Assholes: Somebody is tailing you, and they know they are doing it (because when do you not realize you’re doing it, let’s get real) so you break check them because that’s what the fuck everyone does, then they get mad at you, you see them flailing their arms and yelling at you (bonus if they ALSO flash their high beams at you) – like what the fuck did you think I was going to do? ALL THE WHILE there is nobody in the next lane…dude just move over like are you stupid do you just like to piss people off!?
    EXTRA BONUS: If said Biggest Asshole is driving a Church Van…you are definitely a “man of God” with that piece of shit attitude, honestly, I’m not really sure what I expected (this extra bonus is from personal experience)
  8. “Oh I didn’t see you there” Assholes: People that clearly know you’re trying to merge over but just drive quickly past you so you can’t get in front of them, all the while acting like they don’t know what they just did – at least have the decency to look me in the face when you’re fucking me over you fucking COWARD!
  9. “I don’t know the staggered car rule” idiots: People who drive right next to you in the lane over for like 20 miles and refuse to either pass you or let you pass them like what the fuck are you doing you’re in my blind spot you fucking idiot!
    (bonus points if you look over at them and they’re fucking staring at you with the creepiest smile on their creepy faces, oh my god someone call the cops, they know my license plate and my face I am going to get killed, also we’re on the highway can you keep your eyes on the road YOU’RE A DANGER TO EVERYONE RIGHT NOW)
  10. “I don’t wanna wait” piece of shit: People who drive fast in the merge lane that’s fast approaching it’s end and then force their way right at the front instead of waiting like everyone else – I feel violated since you continue to drive even though I’m looking at you right in the face shaking my head “NO!” like a maniac – back the fuck up! NO MEANS NO
  11. 18-wheelers: There is no clever name for this – and I know this is a broad, subjective and slightly judgmental category but I’ve never had a good experience with one – they tailgate you if you get anywhere in front of them, they flash their high beams if you aren’t even cutting them off, you’re just merging like a fucking normal ass driver – I’ve had one purposely try to run me off the road before because I got in the exit lane in front of him, they are assholes all the time and they feel like they can do whatever they want because they’re bigger, don’t try to bully me you fuckface, I hate you!
  12. Last minute mother-fuckers: When you know there’s an accident or roadwork or some other reason that a lane is closed ahead and instead of changing lanes early and being a proactive and respectful member of society, you decide to stay in your stupid lane, that’s going to stop being a lane very soon, until the very last second and then merge over like the dick that you are, you fucking asshole, fuck you and everyone you associate with!
  13. Slow weavers: If there’s heavy traffic and people are still weaving in between lanes, like are you fucking serious, nobody is going faster than 10mph, JESUS CHRIST!
  14. “Last minute exit” dicks: People who wait until the last minute to take their exit and end up just booking it across three lanes of highway traffic to get to their exit because they don’t wanna drive in the “slow” lane…I can’t even…
  15. In-N-Out Dickhead: If you’re in an exit lane, then you get out of your exit lane, pass the car that you were behind in the exit lane (because it’s just too slow for you and your stupid sports car), then get back into said exit lane, are you fucking serious?!? Shred your license please you shouldn’t be allowed the privilege to drive or consume alcohol for being such a fucking cock-sucker
  16. Bigger In-N-Out Dickhead: Similar to the Bigger Asshole (see #5), you get in front of whoever it was that you decide to cut off at the exit lane, then you don’t even fucking drive fast, like why did you just have to do any of what you just did and then seriously drive the same speed as the guy you just cut off oh my fucking god, again, please hand your license over, who let you drive ever?!
  17. Judgmental pieces of dog shit: When people slow down to stare and give me dirty looks because I got pulled over – you think you’re so cool, why don’t you pull over and tell me how you feel so I don’t only get a speeding ticket**, I can also get an assault charge for karate chopping you in your fucking throat you dirty son of a bitch!
    ** side note I would like to point out I’ve never received a ticket from a police officer when I have been pulled over so laugh and give your dirty looks all you want, bitches!

About tijanajirecek

Please enjoy my rants about my everyday life, they come with a twist of humor, and every once in a while a splash of enlightenment. I find myself utterly hilarious and I hope you will too! View all posts by tijanajirecek

3 responses to “Traffic traffic looking for my Chapstick

  • Lady T

    18. Shoulder Riders- they will pass a “slow driver” in the most rightest:) lane by driving on the shoulder. And they never get pulled over.
    19. Stealthy Assholes and other mental health patients that are allowed to drive and are performing according to their mental health state of the day, but you NEVER see them being pulled over.

    By the way, excellent article!!!

  • Anonymous

    20. Byciclists.
    Who ride like ‘imma merge like a car, my other car is an IronMan suit can’t touch this.”
    Or who take turns totally out of order from traffic signals.
    They’re everywhere in DC. I hate them and their stupid workout pants.
    Go home and bake some gluten free muffins, you trust fund vanilla piece of soon-to-be-pretzel.

    • tijanajirecek

      21. The Investigator: When you’re in traffic in the leftest or rightest lane and the person in front of you has to figure out just what is causing all this traffic so they keep going into the shoulder to “look” it’s fucking traffic ya fuckface it happens every day, stop itttttt!!!!!

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